I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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