I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
