I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
