She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
