just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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