We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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