dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
