I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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