my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just invented taco cereal.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
