Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
