hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
