please come you make the beer taste better
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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