she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
