My liver just broke up with me...
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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