Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
