You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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