i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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