And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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