She went from zero to smokin in five shots
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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