Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize