so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
