I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize