Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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