Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
