im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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