Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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