well you can't waste a boner
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
