the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
