Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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