they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
