I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
