Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
