She's JV to your varsity
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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