I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
