I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
