today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize