i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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