talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
