I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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