Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize