Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
