YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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