I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
