dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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