why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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