The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
