took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize