I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
