too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize