Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
