she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
