the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
