If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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