Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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