He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
