its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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